Stop hurting the woman you love : breaking the cycle of abusive behavior

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Add to Wishlist. Ships in 7 to 10 business days. Link Either by signing into your account or linking your membership details before your order is placed. Description Product Details Click on the cover image above to read some pages of this book! In Stock. Eight Dates To Keep your relationship happy, thriving and l Is There Still Sex in the City?

Very Nice. Where Did My Libido Go? Diary of a Crap Housewife. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Puberty Boy. Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. View Wishlist. My husband has never touched them. However, they have watched him toss me down. They have learned to not talk about what happens. I am a Canadian and American Duel citizen. I really have tried to get help. I simply have to just take it. I will not leave my kids and in Missouri. I grew up with the belief that being hurt was not OK. I obviously have lost that. I so hope that one day, my two little girls will have a chance to be only touched with reverence.

Thank you for all that you do. I know it is not easy reaching out, but I am so glad that you took a step to seek help. From what you have described, it sounds like you are in an extremely physically abusive relationship. You mentioned a lot of severe injuries that you have obtained from your husband. I want you to know that your well being comes first, and one of my concerns from what you have shared, is that you may need medical attentions. If this is the case, at your discretion, please know that you can seek out medical attention.

I am very glad that you reached out; I know you said that it may not be safe for you to call us because he is tracking what you are doing. I want you to know that there are confidential places that can be able to provide you with support and a safe place. There are live advocates on chat that can direct you to a confidential and safe place in your area.

You can do this when you drop of pick up the children from school. A lot of times schools are able to connect individuals and families to safe resources in their area. You and the children do not deserve to experience this abuse, and it is absolutely not okay for your husband to treat you this way. I know you took a big risk contacting us online, and I want you to know that that is a big step!

I hope you will be able to get connected with us via chat and that you can get connected to a place near you. Well what about when something bad happens and it prevents you from doing something, So that another person starts telling you your making excuses? Do you think you are God and that you can control all events? So if you get caught in a traffic jam and your late are you making excuses for being late?

My boyfriend accuses me of sleeping with my business partner every time I have to do something involving business. This includes business related phone calls, emails, text messages, or business meetings. If I confide in anyone, he dismisses what I say by calling me crazy or accusing me of being a pathological liar. He says if I leave with our daughter, he will hunt me down and have me killed.

I rarely bathe or brush my teeth, I never wear make-up anymore, I wear baggy t-shirts with long sleeved hoodies or sweaters to hide my bruises, I avoid my friends like the plague, I do everything in my power to avoid leaving the house. Just for the off chance of peace. Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. This sounds like such a scary situation. We know that abuse happens because one person believes they deserve power and control over their partner and use a lot of different tactics to get it, including: isolating them from their support system, turning the blame around, and creating a threatening environment.

These are choices that he is making. It is completely understandable to feel afraid through all of this, it sounds like its been really dangerous and overwhelming. I know it took a lot of courage to reach out to us right now, and I am so glad that you have. Give us a call at to talk about your options as well as receive guidance and support from our advocates. We are a completely anonymous and confidential resource. If you have some privacy to be on the phone, please give us a call any time.

In my case I have been with my husband for 2 years and the abuse started early with him choking me, literaly after about two weeks, and I stayed and I feel embarrassed and ashamed and stupid. I want to leave but I love him. I feel ashamed to even say that. He has gotten physical with me many times, very violent sometimes, lots of name calling. He has spit in my face, called me nasty names, kicked me, and it just gets worse. The fighting starts over things so simple, I can say something so innocent and he with loose it, so I often feel like I start it.

Whats sad is I am a 41 year old women, so there is no excuse for me to stay, but I do. I feel so ashamed. I have left 3 times and I always come back, and he promises to change and be a better person, but never does. I feel dumb. I do have places I could go, but I always come back.

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

I am not sure if this is the right place to leave this post but I just needed to talk. Only one person in my life knows the complete truth about my marriage. I love my husband and all I want is happiness and conversation and laughs and comfort and I do not understand why you would hurt someone who you love. No one deserves to be treated that way. Most victims of abuse return to the relationship multiple times.

We know a lot of times you have put in so much work and sacrificed so much for the relationship that giving it a second chance feels like the best choice. Abuse is about power and control. An abuser wants to have all power in the relationship and be able to make most of the decisions. Most people, like yourself, would never intentionally hurt the ones they love.

You deserve happiness and peace. I encourage you to give us a call at to help you find resources and create a safety plan. I am all too familiar with a lot of the stories on here. Mine started with him assuming I misspoke and was not willing to hear his help; after I was the one who asked for his help and because I stated to him I tried what he was trying to show me.

From there it lead him to sit me down and talk to me about my behavior he felt I had. I was the one who was in the wrong. It was like this for several months. Then the first real bad night. When my strength was what made him fall for me he use to say. That I encouraged him to be more.

I finally spoke up and yelled.

Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

Got in his face. He shoved me around using his body, then the vase was flying past my head and when he went to the basement I slammed the door behind him which made him fly up the stairs and bust thru the door. From that night many more incidents would happen like that. I would yell and would get in his face, begging him to stop…just stop. I would say over and over I love him, and try to hug him just to want affection.

It got to where I just lost sense in how to handle anymore; that if he would go outside I would follow him and yell at him, yelling so the whole neighborhood would hear exactly the things he would do to me. Then I just started to go and hide in closets to where he would come to me and call me crazy, either pull me out of the closet or push me back into closet if I tried to get away and around from him. One night that became the scariest for me.. I had gone up to the computer room to see how much longer he would be.

My heart dropped as I thought he was seriously injured. He was in pain for a little while but once he gained himself 20 minutes later and I was trying to make sure he was okay as I was sick to my stomach scared in what had just happened. I was only trying to protect myself.

He would leave. I let him continue to blame me; because I had yelled always he always felt it was me who had a problem. Why I always came back I am never sure. Or if I had a few drinks he said he would call the cops cause I was drinking and driving. Then after the 2nd time we got back together; I thought if I tried to say anything he would be the one to say he was the one who left the last time because of me yelling. I wanted to believe. I started to always feel I was the problem. I would go to counseling; trying to find solutions, getting on anti-depressants.

I even attempted one time to take a bunch of pills; antidepressants. He would uninvited me from family events. He even blamed me for his car being keyed a week later after it had happened in a parking lot outside of my apartment bldg. It all never made sense. I am still confused. I enabled him long enough to believe it was okay to do what he did by always apologizing and never holding him responsible for his actions. I know it was because I had some issues with my own self worth as I could not believe it was happening to me again. I was tired of having to admit that something bad had happened.

I felt so bad for him because he often would admit he had problem when he would get really drunk and would practically break down; that I just felt so bad for him he was so broken and he was too afraid to change. I felt guilty. What a heart breaking story. I am sorry that you had to go through such ugly, abusive times with your husband. I hope you truly know that none of this was your fault. The fact that he was already charged with aggravated assault in a previous relationship is proof that he is seriously abusive. He even used a gun to frighten his girlfriend.

This man shows has proven how dangerous he is. Amelia I am glad you have been able to leave him. I hope that you will speak to his military command and whatever department you can access to discuss what has happened to you. Your story exemplifies that your husband is how out of control and a threat to those around him. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Abuse is a choice and has consequences.

Abuse was his choice, not yours. All you tried to do was be a supportive companion. Unfortunately abusers do not function in a healthy way. They want power and control and will do whatever they can to get that. I can imagine that you are still extremely traumatized by all that happened to you.

Please call us. There are resources wherever you are at that can help. There is counseling and support groups that will help you get through this difficult time of healing. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is We are here for you. Now they are all saying that I owe his parents big time for taking care of me and shouldering all the expenses while I was under their care and pregnant.

They did that because my husband cannot support me. He took his own sweet time being with the other woman and just showed up when I delivered the baby. What he did cannot be compensated by what his parents did to me. Now all our arguments boil down to what his parents have done for me. All the time! I got hurt so I screamed at him to stop touching me.

I admit, I raise my voice at him every time we argue out of anger. His priority is his parents happiness and not mine. I guess I no longer have respect for him. It must have been incredibly hurtful to have him send you away during your pregnancy and not provide the support you needed. Losing the family and future that you imagined having with someone is incredibly difficult. It sounds like the situation between the two of you is escalating and becoming more dangerous.

No one has the right to put their hands on someone else, or to yell, swear, or put down anyone else. You also have the right to decide whether you stay in this relationship. You can reach us at All calls are kept confidential and anonymous. I have had my suspicions about the man i love however i always end up caving. That is such a difficult situation. Abusers can often sound paranoid with all their baseless accusations.

They can accuse you of doing things without any proof and force you to admit to things you never did. It sounds like he is playing mindgames and being manipulative. If he gets you to admit to taking his money, even though you never did, then he will be able to use that against you whenever he wants.

In fact, this is probably how he acts in all his romantic relationships. You deserve to be treated well and with respect. Asking for help will be his decision and only he can make it.

Making decisions about the future of your relationship can be overwhelming and stressful. If you would like to talk to an advocate about your options, please call us at I went from always being early to not getting anywhere literally on time to save my life. He also words things in a way that says I had accidents on purpose and uses it against me as in why should he help me get a bigger vehicle for the children and I since I destroyed the one he gave to me let me use etc it depends on the day which one it is.

He was thoughtful and caring in the beginning he really made it seem like he was a caring compassionate person despite what others had said to me to stop me from getting hurt. He became u n affectionate and blaming. He never wanted to go out and do the fun things we did when we met and if I brought it up he would tell me I can go whenever I want or we could go when I plan it etc.. It was no longer a team thing. He would say sarcastic stuff about how he helps but not on my time.

He would get mad a me for needing to be places at certain times n say it was my time as if I could control it. He tells me that is bulls hit that he makes more money so it makes more sense for him to work more than me. I went fro. Am I really that abusive for yelling without even meaning to yell?

Thanks for any advice. My husband is a serial cheater but always wants to change and forget about the past when his infidelity is fount out. The last time he again was very sad to loose his family and promised once again to be faithful, only to step over the line again. When I confronted him he started to yell and scream and wanted to leave the house. I was so angry and I lost control and started to hit him on his arm. I am not an abusive person at all, in fact I shy away from any confrontation and feel absolutely ashamed. I know there is no excuse for this but I just lost it and have little memory about what happened.

He is a big man and I am half his weight so I could not hurt him but I feel terrible. He gets angry and out of control very easily but has never been physically abusive. I will not take him back and has apologized to him, I just hope that I will never go that far again. Has this happened to anyone?

Thank you for sharing your experiences with our online community. Experiencing repeated infidelity is incredibly hurtful and can be a type of sexual and emotional abuse. It must have been so hard to have your husband promise to make different choices time and again, but then continue to make the same choices as before.

You have the right to be safe and have respectful, healthy conversations. It takes a lot of courage to be honest and take responsibility for our choices. We can also help you find local resources if you thinking that counseling or a support group would be helpful. Since high school he has been treating me terribly and I guess its my fault for bringing a child into the situation. I am 21 and he just turned 22 our son is 3. How can i love someone who emotionally abuses me? I feel like my son will hate me if i leave he loves his father but he hates when he yells and is mean so will he hate me more if i stay?

Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you have been through an incredibly abusive situation. This is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to force him or make him be abusive. He is choosing to be abusive in order to have power and control over you. One thing we say here very often is that abusive people will constantly accuse you of cheating and this is an excuse that he uses to control you. This is not okay. At all. Emotional abuse is also serious.

What You Probably Don't Know About Domestic Violence and Abuse

It sounds like you have been doing all you can to survive and that is amazing. I want you to know that you deserve to be safe, you deserve to be with someone who will treat you with love and respect. Your safety and the safety of your son is the most important thing here. I would encourage you to give us a call at 1 We can talk to you about your situation, develop a plan for your safety and then get you connected to any local resources that can help.

Cycle of abuse - Wikipedia

I recently invited three colleagues to my house. Professional associates who support my career and are also friends. My husband always treats them like friends when we see them, or when they invite us over. I cleaned the house and arranged for them to come over for about an hour to help me with my work. When I told my husband they were dropping by, he threw a fit and told me to cancel.

He said it was unacceptable. He sent me twenty-five emails telling me to cancel. When I refused, he emailed them and said he was sick, lead them to believe he had the flu, and apologized for having to cancel. He only wanted to regain control over the situation. I feel embarrassed and hopeless.

I was looking forward to their company and support. I would like to have a welcoming house and a joyful place for our child. I had to get his permission first. I had to let him know first.

To the Women Who Repeatedly Attract Broken, Emotionally Unavailable or Addicted Men

I arranged it spontaneously when we needed a place to meet. The meeting took about an hour total. But I do. I have had very few people over in the past ten years of our marriage. I feel he undermines my personal and professional life. I feel his control issues are abusive. This is not your fault. You are exactly right that abusers want power and control over you and familial situations.

They are very good at confusing you by saying you did something wrong and telling you it should have been done a different way. You have every right to want a welcoming home and a joyful place for your child. Please call us when you are having these difficult times. We want to support you in any way we can. I stumbled across this during a google search for my situation. I read all the comments and felt the courage to vent, maybe someone else who could relate or understand. We have been married for 8 years and its been a constant cycle. I am to the point of even questioning my existence.

He controls everything in my life. He bought our home without talking me, as well as expensive cars and other things. I dont have access to his money, but I get accused of spending it. Even when i get groceries with the money get gives me, he finds fault in that. I cant accept a gift from him because it will be used against me later. He calls me every name in the book almost daily.

He has never apologized to me for any hurt hes caused. He believes I deserve it. At times, i dont have the strength to fight him or stand up for myself, and i end up crying. Every single time, he tells me i am crazy and not normal. I have been in and out of therapy for 8 years in hopes i can change to make him happy. He has kicked me and our kids so many times. He withholds sex and affection all the time.

Ive spent the last 8 years believing him when he says i am worthless and useless. He accuses me of being violent, even though I have never ever touch anyone or behaved in such a way of the accusation. I learned even playing around with him, he sees it as violent behavior. I never know what mood he will be in day to day. I try to avoid him when i sense a bad mood. He tells me i am an embarrassment. Even though we dont go anywhere or have anyone over. Last year, he moved his mother in-without even discussing it with me.

Its been pure hell. He told me i dont get any say so in anything since him and his mom make money and i dont. I am a stay at home mom and a student. He tells me i am a horrible mother all the time-esp in front of the kids. I told you that hes kicked us out? I was 8 months pregnant at the time and it wasnt the first or second time hes kicked us out.

Because of the cycles, he reels me back in…. Then he emailed me stating it was a mistake that we came back for him and his mother were happier while we were gone. She does not help out financially, and refuses to help herself.

P.S. I Love You

So i have to drive her anywhere she wants. She doesnt even consider 4 kids who have to wait on her. They both speak english, but will only speak spanish in front of me. Since shes been here, any celebration, holiday, birthday, mothers day and anniversary has been horrible. Last mothers day, he forewarned me that i will not be celebrated…and he stuck to his word. I come from a loving background. My parents have been madly in love for 47 years.

I was taught to respect and love without condition. Since his mother has been here, I see where he learned his behavior. He has 2 sisters who want nothing to do with this woman. I see why now. She was abusive to them. She favored my husband, but she did damage. Both his sisters grew up to be awesome young women, despite this dysfunction. His younger sister reached out at 17 to a lady in their church and she got her out of the house. She later put herself through college and is now a social worker to help girls like her..

His sisters both are kind, sweet, respectable….. His choices. He only teats me this way. Thinking back, this marriage has worked out probably because ive apologized everytime…for things i didnt have to apologize for, but he makes me.

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If i want to talk to him or tell him about my day, he has an excuse in and to get off the phone so quickly that he doesnt even give me a chance to say bye. I wanted to reach out to someone, but have to be discreet, calling is sometimes not an option. I was so sad for so long. Now i cant feel. I hate myself more than i hate him. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes so much courage to reach out and ask for help. It sounds like your abuser learned his behavior from his mother and has chosen to continue this cycle of abuse with you.

It must be so frustrating and overwhelming to have him and his mother be abusive towards you and your children. Even though he is accusing of doing so many wrong things, there is not truth to it. Abusers always try to justify their behavior by saying you somehow deserve to be treated that way.

In order to gain power and control, an abuser tries to break you down and make you feel inferior. One thing to always keep in mind is that you do not deserve to be abused. No one ever has the right to treat you with such disrespect and cruelty. You and your children deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home. We understand that you may not always have an opportunity to call and that is okay.

Our chat is available everyday from 7am-2am. Both the chat and the hotline are completely confidential and you can stay anonymous. Hi Kristen. That is horrible. I think your best and quickest bet would to talk to the school counselor. That would be the most discreet. I hope you and your children will be okay and that he receives the medical treatment he needs. Hi Lee — I think you should leave as planned. I wish you all the best…. He has been an on-again-off-again boyfriend for 8 years.

It is not physically damaging although it has come close. I love him but he always yells at me. I am 50 and I have MS not really too bad except for has fatigue. He goes with and says the trainers are clowns and he could do better. He walks around with a scowl on his face and treats his mother and grandmother mean, too.

I then attempt to end the relationship and he calls ans texts horrible things. I then block his number. admin