If you do, you are lucky. Every day thousands of women give other women advice about men and marriage. And so, every day, thousands of innocent relationships are jeopardized. Women who could be happily married are led astray by other women who know little about the male gender. Misreading the most obvious and core differences on how men get satisfaction out of a relationship causes women to fail in their dealings with men. One of the key skills that professional marketers use when selling a product or an idea is understanding their target audience.
Because you will be selling the idea of marriage to your guy, and in this case your boyfriend is your main target, understanding him is the key to closing the deal. And who better to help you do this than two dudes who understand how significant this connection is? Of course, there are quite a few things that you probably know already. In fact, allow us to pay you a compliment: When it comes to relationships, women are smarter than men.
What does matter is your willingness to truly understand what men think about relationships, marriage, and commitment. This is not about outsmarting him to the altar.
This is about understanding the gender you think you want to shack up with for the Rest of Your Life! Learning to understand him will help you close the deal—and keep it closed. One of the most popular questions we get asked is How long do I wait for a proposal? Men rarely, if ever, have to think about this issue—the biggest question we have in the dating phase that starts with How long ends with before you let me unzip that? We want you to ask the tough questions, just like guys ask themselves the tough questions.
What we have found in writing this book is that men are generally more cautious than women when entering marriage. Generally, women tend to focus on the positive short-term aspects of marriage: the romantic engagement, unforgettable wedding, and memorable honeymoon. Men, on the other hand, commonly focus on the more serious long-term aspects of marriage: the monogamy, financial burdens, possibility of divorce, and, might we mention again, the monogamy. In almost all of the marriages where the couples were about to get or getting divorced, it was the woman who wanted to end it.
We think this is a revealing insight, and a good example of the kind of thing you may want to take it into consideration when closing the deal. Men should not be the only ones weighing the magnitude of this merger. Your goal should not be the rock on a ring. It should be everlasting satisfaction with your man. In expanding our point of view for your benefit as well as ours , we decided also to interview women who have had successful relationships and others who have not.
Alternatively, there are other couples we have witnessed over the years—a small sample of friends and acquaintances—for whom Love at First Sight occurred. Since we know these couples personally and can vouch for their relationships, we can honestly say that their union was meant to be. There were no big questions, no issues. They just knew. Closing the Deal is not for the meant-to-bes.
Other than these few sentences, we will not write about these people again. They got lucky. They know it and we know it. Screw them. We hope to guide and support you and help you to avoid some of the hazards out there. Some chapters may make you angry and some may cause you to reevaluate yourself or your relationship. So if you find yourself in a place where you barely find any humor in your current situation, then you picked up our book just in time. The most important thing is that this book gets you on the road to successful deal closing.
There is an art to it. While this guessing game will always keep things interesting and mysterious, it may be more reasonable to tackle the other question first, the one that is far easier to answer: "Is he not The One? And as in fairy tales, the important part is as much about finding the right prince as it is about living happily ever after. We want to say up front that no matter how great the advice is in this book, and no matter how closely you follow it, there are some guys who will never pull the trigger. These men have Commitia, a type of VD vow disavowal that makes the most eloquent of men flub their lines at the mere mention of the M word.
These are the perennial bachelors, serial daters, and commitment-phobes who exist in every socioeconomic group, and their modus operandi is fairly consistent. Published February 7th by William Morrow Paperbacks first published More Details Original Title. Other Editions Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Closing the Deal , please sign up. Lists with This Book. This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Community Reviews. Showing Rating details.
More filters. Sort order. I usually do not read the self-help kind of book, especially when it does not fit me like this one I am getting married, so I closed the deal already. But a relative gave it to me so I read it happily. As much as I already knew most of the messages they were trying to deliver, I did enjoy reading all the real experiences of the real people in the book, with all their relationship issues and how they are handling them. I loved the way the authors told the stories and I loved the cartoons throug I usually do not read the self-help kind of book, especially when it does not fit me like this one I am getting married, so I closed the deal already.
I loved the way the authors told the stories and I loved the cartoons throughout the book. The content itself, so so. Shenika rated it liked it Jun 11, Roberta rated it really liked it Feb 11, Nicole Ann Foley rated it it was ok Mar 31, Jenny rated it liked it Nov 11, Ella Bergonia rated it liked it Aug 12, Rachel rated it liked it Apr 23, Lianne rated it it was amazing Mar 03, Sam rated it liked it Sep 18, Kelly Smith Smart rated it liked it Jul 31, Anne rated it it was ok Aug 08, Annie rated it liked it Feb 16, Dana rated it really liked it Nov 23, Jill Jason rated it really liked it Apr 19, He told me not to have high hopes for counselling cause he is intensely attracted to her and not textin her for a daymakeshim phisically sick.
He said that these feeling cannot be wrong as it feels so right, but us are wrong. It ripped myheart, I felt I lost him. I could keep that night, I had awful panic attack which made him really angry. Next day wasawful, counselling was awful, she basically said that they happy to help us to end our relationships. He was happy to continue but I on this stage could not deal with pain. I told him to go to her and live with her, I knew he would burn himself and regret, butitwas the only way out.
He had to understand his feelings. So he was gone. He did not go to her she lives with her boyfriend, they have mortgage too , she blocked me on Facebook I know her name and age 25 agains my husbands 33 after I mentioned her name to him. We still in good contact, he cares a lot about me, we always had a very caring relations. I feel like my whole life went down, I need him.
I try to keep contact and be nice, but I really need him. Do I have a chance still? The only one who knows if you have a chance is your husband. The truth is that being needy is not attractive! The best thing you can do for yourself, and for your relationship, is to become stronger and more independent. If you need your husband emotionally, get a therapist and start working on dealing with your emotions.
But feeling like you NEED him is not the best. Plus, your neediness may actually drive him away. Can your relationship survive this? You and your husband have a lot to sort out. If he is willing, I would strongly suggest that you start working with a marriage counselor. That can help a lot.
I just confirmed my suspicions recently about my wife of 18 years having an emotional affair. I thought that perhaps it was because I was on the road for work or that it was because of the financial stress we had placed ourselves under. I went through our phone records and found that she had been texting another man anywhere from to texts in a month. She has also been on the phone with him on a consistent basis with conversations ranging from 5 minutes up to 4 hours.
They would talk almost every day when I was gone for work. These calls seem to happen at all hours of the day, along with the texts. Calls would be made up until 2 a. When I confronted her about this, she got rather defensive and stated that they are only friends. I told her that it was not appropriate and that it needed to stop. After several low-key discussions, she finally put an end to it and told him not to text or call her anymore.
We have been trying to move forward with our relationship, but I keep being consumed with SO many thoughts. What did they talk about? What pictures were exchanged? What does he know about my wife and our relationship? Is she still in contact with him? She has a work cell, a work phone, work email, and personal email…all of which I have no access too. The other man does live a LONG ways away.
They met at a work convention and he is a customer of the company she works for. What do I do to move forward??? I know that might not be what you want to hear! Cheating is cheating. An emotional affair is a betrayal of trust. Whether your wife ever slept with this guy or not is not what matters most at this point. What she did hurt you. You need to deal with that pain, and repair the relationship, if you want to move forward in a sustainable way. Working with a marriage counselor can help the two of you explore what happened to your marriage, and figure out what each of you you has to do to repair the damage and rebuild trust.
It will take time and it will take work. You have to work on your marriage. She has to work on your marriage. He lived a long way away when she was spending hours talking to him on the phone. Monte, Just friends? Rosalyn, Thank you for sharing your story.
I am glad too that you were able to settle your differences. You see, he is very active in our local church and very respected. I told him — would you like your orgmates to know the details of what you did? Would you like me to share with all your relatives here and abroad your immorality?
Would you like to lose everything you have now? It woke him up! But it does get better. Hi Karen. My husband and I have been having some issues for the past couple of months. We have a mutual friend who has two children we have 2 and one on the way and he has been spending a lot of time with our friend and her sons. Have a conversation. This person was an idiot, and had recently contacted me because she wanted to sell her crappy product in my store.
Nosy, sneak-stop snooping!!! By now I am extremely suspicious. He screams that I will not control who he will be friends with. I respond that he is hurting me. You are having an affair. I respond that the fact that he would choose to hurt me rather than say goodbye to her says a lot about how deep he is in. He did this constantly for the next two weeks. He was deeply sorry he hurt me — Problem is I cannot get this out of my head.
It has been over for 14 months. But, it is over because I put a block on her from every social aspect — MY trust is shattered. A lot of things she posts news items, memes, jokes — co-incidentally he also posts — is this a coincidence or are they in contact, am I paranoid…how do I get this out of my head. There are so many crazy things I have done since I found out, I am not sure who I am anymore….
What your husband may not understand is that emotional infidelity is still infidelity! It can hurt just as much as a physical affair. You asked how you can regain your trust in him. In order to regain trust you BOTH need to work on your marriage! HINT: Working with a good marriage counselor who has experience working with infidelity can help a lot!
That may not seem fair to you since HE is the one who was talking with another woman. Even still, every marriage involves two people. If you want your marriage to survive, and if you want to put this affair behind you so that you can be happy again, both of you will need to work on your marriage.
Your husband needs to work to earn your trust back, and you need to learn to forgive him. Forgiving him does not mean excusing his bad behavior. You also might want to check out this post on surviving infidelity. It has a lot of tips in it that might help. I strongly suggest you start working with a therapist so that you can deal with what happened and heal from it.
Getting all this out of your head will take time and work. You need in-depth conversations over a period of time in order to start making sense of how you feel and getting to the point where you can trust again. Working with a therapist is your best bet for dealing with this. In a relationship for almost 3 years and engaged for 1 year.
My fiance and I were having issues getting along and I noticed he was always on social media and when I saw on his phone that he was texting other women and he told one woman he always had a crush on her and he wanted to spoil her I was furious! But I will say that human behavior is consistent. If your fiance is really serious about making things right, then you might want to go to couples counseling with him.
Hi Karen, I thought maybe you could give me some advice on my current situation. I am 38 now This was about a month ago and we started texting each other on Facebook a lot and then it turned into texting actual phones then calling and talking for hours a day. This has all been in the span of a month but the talking on the phone only began a week ago. We plan to meet up soon to get lunch. He was maxing out credit cards for an addiction legal but so stupid not going to get specific but he spent over 10k without telling her and I guess they have just been having tons of problems in all aspects of the relationship and a lot of them have been going on for a while and she has told him she wanted a divorce before we ever started talking again.
I identify because I was in a relationship for 14 years married 8 of those years and i have been through some of the same things she is going through and I am able to give her advice sometimes. She is pretty damn smart though so she usually knows more about it than me. So my questions are. Should I meet up with her in person remember she is what I consider a friend and not just a girlfriend.
I really like this girl I may love her I think at least I could get to that point easily. BUT is it because she has already asked for a divorce and does not sleep in the same room as him that I feel what I am doing is okay? I only had her for the shortest of times when I was a kid but it was amazing and I have never pined over anyone liked I have over her nor have I remembered so much about someone that was so far removed from my life.
I get a feeling everyone is going to tell me this is a bad idea but I feel like I have to at least see her in person once again to see how I feel when I see her.
Call me old fashioned if you want, but married is married. If this woman was already living separately from her husband and had been living separately for a long time! They rarely end well! That may make her feel guilty about leaving him. She also may end up going back and forth and trying to reconcile with him for the sake of the kids. OR, 2 he learns about you and decides that she was having an affair with you and THAT caused her to want a divorce.
Then you get sucked into their drama too. What are you going to do if her divorce takes years? Are you prepared to deal with that? What if she needs money to get through her divorce? Are you willing to support her financially? You have a daughter. What do you want to teach your daughter about marriage and relationships?
Kids learn by what they see their parents doing, NOT by what their parents say. Being in love feels fabulous! But if your love is real, it will still be there after your friend is divorced. She is still married. The relationship she has right now probably seems amazing to both of you. I know that one hurt. If you want a real, honest, open relationship with someone, then you have to find someone who is in a position to have that with you. Maybe someday it will be. But not now. But, since you asked …. PS Should you meet her in person? Your choice. Sending nude pics and all.
Part of me wants to confront him now but I also feel I should drag this out and see what else is going on. We do have three teenage kids and we both feel the pressure raising them at the moment however overall they are good kids with good grades. My head is wanting to go straight to divorce!!! I feel insecure right now and have no trust in him. What do I do….. I forgot to mention that I have discussed with my husband my issues with him and messaging girls. He plays music in his spare time and also song writes so connects to a lot of people in the industry.
Things got better but since the weekend I noticed a few signs and hence I tapped into his messenger. I know that doing that is hard. But stop for a moment and ask yourself why? At this point, you know what you need to know. So, what to do? Find out if he wants to go to marriage counseling.
Find out if he wants a divorce. And start working with a therapist or a coach to figure out if you want a divorce. If you think your husband will start hiding financial documents if he knows you want a divorce, then make a copy of all of your important documents BEFORE you tell him that you know about his affair s. Get a therapist.
Find a marriage counselor in case you two decide to work on your marriage. Figure out your financial state. Start learning about divorce. Thanks for your help! I confronted him and initially, he denied everything for a good 3 minutes. I stayed calm throughout the process and kept pressing and eventually he caved in. I know the whole story and we have since blocked this woman out of our lives. My husband is a nice person to everyone so if someone keeps messaging him with open questions he will always respond. I think he also had a texting addiction through work as he is going through a bit of a mid-life crisis in his job and obviously at home so texting everyone is what got him through his days.
He wants to stay in the marriage and do whatever it takes to keep me. He said he has had a huge wake-up call and such a big scare he thinks he has lost me. He thinks it will make us stronger and he said he is going to start thinking with his head and not with his you know what anymore. I can see he is trying but I keep asking — I wonder how long this will last? It did not turn physical with this woman but he was turned on by her as she is into woman bi-sexual and she thinks I am attractive so the thought of me and this woman together sparked interest with him.
Not sleeping with her but the thought of it all. He said it was all just shits and giggles and both of them said they were happily married just it was sexual fantasy crap. BUT here is the thing I am most hurt about. He told her about it. He even asked for more photos of her. And when she was sick in bed once he asked how she was and she sent a photo of her in bed with a cover over her.
He told this woman he meant every word in his messaging so to me, he was real with his words. My husband said he is going to man up and own it and he has to live with this for the rest of his life. But basically, he has this sexual fantasy of me and another woman together not a threesome as such just the thought of watching me with a girl. I am not into girls. I am so confused and think our sex life has been a whole lie this whole time. I am also so angry he shared intimate details with her.
I do think that maybe it would have turned physical down the track — he said it would have never but who knows. How do I get over this? Do you think I should stay or run for the hills? I can hear how conflicted you are about what has happened. Because of that, I strongly suggest that both of you start seeing a marriage counselor. You need to deal with the hurt, the harm and the betrayal that you feel.
He needs to deal with the fact that he did what he did. If you both want to have the best chance of working things out, both individually and together, using a good therapist can help a lot. As for his sexual fantasies, people like what they like. It sounds like you feel so betrayed by him that you are wondering whether your whole sex life has been a lie.
But I can certainly understand how you feel. They met at a bonfire ,found out they had a lot of the same interests. He cooked for her ,as i came home from a long day at work just sat down in our home they pop in for a min and he told me he announced he was her escort to a wedding and reception ,off they went i just sat there and cried, She calls he goes ,we have fights he talks to her about them, She uses him I tried tellling him that ,but he didnt care.
I told him i thought he was having a emotional affair with her He said she did give him back his spark and was filling his needs I told him i didnt want him to see her any more ,he again said they were JUST FRIENDs and he was going to contuie to see her. He was attentive to her what ever she needed he got her ,What about me, His wife. Did he stop seeing her NO, He keeps going back for more. He told me that he told her that he has feelings for her romantic feelings ,SHE told him Hes married she should of stopped there and kicked him out but she went on talking to him ,they stayed away from each other for awhile , but i think they are still seeing each other.
What to Do If You Suspect Your Spouse is Having an Emotional Affair
Emotional affair he had Physical one i dont know He swears he hasnt had sex with her But to much has happed I dont trust him He broke my trust, he broke me. We were thinking about a trial seperation something just between us , I thought it may be a good idea I would like to see who i am and what i can do with out him , get to know me, fix things in me My husband told me he wants a separation so he can do what he wants with who ever he wants and not have to report back to me.
I have to work out something that is going to work for me , Any successions? First, let me clarify. A trial separation is NOT an excuse for two people to do whatever they want outside of their marriage without dealing with the problems that are IN their marriage!
But then, why stay married? Second, whether your husband has gotten physical with this other woman or not is not the point. You told him it upsets you. You asked him to stop. He refused. His behavior is telling you that he cares more about her than about you. That speaks volumes about the state of your marriage. Can you put your relationship back together at this point?
Do you want to put it back together? What I do know that a trial separation where he gets to do whatever he wants while you hang out and wait for him is probably not the best way to get your marriage back on track. I found my fionce was on Instagram and twitter talking to women. He called them babe and told them personal stuff even showed them pictures of his kids. Told them they get him and there so much alike. Said he missed them asked how there day was. And when confronted he said it was along time ago we have been together for 4 years this was 3 years ago.
I hurt so bad. This hurts more than a physical affair. My heart has never hurt so bad. And it was in the begging of relationship, I thought everything was fine and I made him happy. The pain is unbearable , reading comments of him telling a girl he misses her cute little booty. When he says that to me I feel so used. What do I do. I want to just disappear. I wish I could make the pain go away. What I can do is tell you 2 things.
Find a good therapist. But you need someone to talk to. Someone who understands relationships and psychology. He was flirting with other women and then he turns it around and tries to blame you. Do NOT marry this man unless and until you work through this issue completely and get your relationship back on solid ground.
I find myself here because of how I feel and I googled my feelings. Admittedly my wife is very open about her accounts and phone. I have access to it all and she has access to all of my stuff and phone. I am usually really open to letting her live her life and not keeping tabs on her interactions, but we had an issue at the beginning of our relationship before marriage — been together 5 years married since November where she was SnapChat friends with an old ex and they were talking back and forth.
It blew up and she agreed to delete him and stop talking. Then a few weeks ago I found myself on her phone while she was in the other room and looked at her SnapChat. She is talking to this guy I have never heard about. Sinking gut feeling. Who is this? Doing some quick laungchair forensics, I found out they are also FB friends. He lives in an area that my wife was a few weeks prior when she visted her sister at college. I knew she went out with her sister and they met some guys, but it was just some normal banter and drinks.
They all knew she was married and her sister is taken. And I actually believe her and would expect that if anything else happened, her sister would have told me I could be wrong. She has not mentioned this to me. So I have just let it simmer and kept my eye on it. But it is SC! All I see is that the interact. SC covers and deletes everything. What are your thoguhts? Should I still approach her or keep my eye on it until the day where he messages her while it is obvious and I can check it right then and there and see if it is appropriate and if not then call her out?
It usually happens that way. You will look like a mad man because your reaction will be completely out of proportion to whatever it was that finally made you blow. So, will it suck that you have to tell your wife you were spying on her? PS If you want, having a good marriage counselor help you through these difficult conversations can help a lot!
I found your page and it has some great advice and points. I have been with my wife for 21 years and recently had our 16 year anniversary. I have to admit, she has spoiled me all my life. So much so, she does almost everything but the yard work. Unfortunately, I let my marriage go on cruise control the last few years. We dont have kids so, it was something my wife put up with.
The last few years, I didnt communicate with her, hardly go out on dates on our own and never asked how I can help her. She is going thru a divorce and needed a place to stay on the weekends. Of course, we opened up our home to her to help. Over the last few months, they were spending more and more time together.
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My wife is a very light drinker and noticed they were drinking more than the usual glass of wine. They had small trips planned and even staying in her room every night she was home. Eventually, she would come back to our room and sometimes she would wake up and go back to her room? I just didnt see the signs — I mean, that couldnt happen.
It did! My wife admits she never told me she was growing apart from me. I would be a good guy and not party and do the errands my wife always asks me to do. Then, I would revert to my usual self. She says Im a good provider and good husband, but she thought I didnt lover her anymore. This woman came in and gave her the emotional support i wasnt.
I eventually found out and after four weeks of catching my wife lying about not seeing or texting her. It kept happening. I blew up on the fourth time and kicked her out the house. The last four weeks she has been living with her dad. No pressure on having to find a place to stay…we have the time she needs to figure it out. Either come home or really consider a new life…by herself or with this woman. I dont know what to do. She has the decision on her shoulders. I do love my wife and am willing to change to save my marriage.
She is the only woman I know. I would love to her your advice on the matter. Thank you! But if you want the changes you make to last, you have to do them for YOU … not for anyone else! If you change just for your wife, whether you two stay married or not, you will eventually resent her. That having been said, will your changes get your wife back, or will they be too little too late? What I do know is that if you want to give your marriage the best possible chance of working, enlisting the help of a trained marriage counselor would be a great idea.
You could also benefit from working with an individual counselor as well. The last tip I have for you is to see if she will give you a trial period during which she will think openly about staying married. Treat your wife like you did when you first started dating. Woo her.
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Treat her like royalty. Do whatever you can to show her that you love her and want her back. During this time, talk to your wife as much as possible. Just love her like you loved her in the beginning of your relationship — and make sure she feels loved! Sometimes what YOU think will make her feel loved is different than what she needs to feel loved. Your blog felt like it was written for me. I am going through a strange phase actually.
We have been married for 30 years. My husband had an emotional affair recently. They had a school reunion and he met his classmates after many years. He clicked with a few female ones and was constantly in touch with them via Whatapp messaging. Since they all are geographically very far, they kept sending messages to my husband and my husband got too excited with his new relationships.
They were all exchanging mostly spouse related jokes. Once he narrated one of those jokes from his phone very proudly, i showed my dislike for it. I felt insulted that he is having fun making jokes about me spouse with his friends by exchanging such messages. I was shocked to see that 35 minutes phone call. My doubts were not unnecessary, he was in emotional affair with this woman.
I waited for few days with small conversations with him by hinting him about how sometimes people step out of the marriage and lives can change. He did not say anything about it and did not even have any expressions changed. After few days, i checked his phone again and saw that he was sending her many romantic messages everyday. I got furious, waited for him to go to work and called him, told him that i felt betrayed. He called her right away, deleted all the messages and called me back to inform me about that. I could not believe it, he showed me his phone himself in the evening.
I am not sure how to react now, should i trust him! I am in complete state of confusion. I would appreciate any help. It will infect your marriage just as much as if the affair was still going on. If you and your husband can have some deep heart-to-heart talks about this yourself and can be open and honest with each other, great!
But if doing that is difficult or impossible, I strongly suggest you seek out a good marriage counselor to help you. Look for someone who has experience working with infidelity. Trust is built over time or not. Your trust in your husband was shaken. It will take time to rebuild. But, it can be done.